***DISCLAIMER*** If you're not an adult or are easily offended and or disgusted by things, you should probably skip this one.
Sorry for the hiatus, it's been a busy month, (I know you don't care, but I like to pretend.) I DO actually have other hobbies and a vast amount of wealth in which I used for snowboarding in Aspen with Slatz.
I was recently on a business trip in Dallas. I had never been there before, but I heard everything is bigger in Texas. Little did I know that this statement refers to women and the gaps that these big women have between their teeth. Don't get me wrong, just like everywhere, there were hot girls abound on the nights that we went out. The only difference between Dallas and the other numerous places I've been, is it seemed like the girls were either incredibly hot, or complete dumpster fires. There didn't appear to be any middle ground. The problem with this, mainly, is because I don't operate on either extreme end of the hotness spectrum. (The exception was the WMD I took down for B-ride, but that's an entirely different entry. Look it up in my archive, it's a pretty funny story.) WMD girl was on the Troll end of the spectrum, where as Mila Kunis, for example, is on the other end. Get the picture?
A few of the guys from my company who were also in town from various parts of the country went out for drinks on a couple of the nights. For our purposes, a friend from Detroit, BJ, was involved in each night and is the main focus of this particular story.
So each night we went out to the various fine establishments in the Dallas outskirts area, there would be some beautiful women with fake tits, big hair, tans, luminous eyes, bright white teeth, wearing tight jeans and cowgirl boots. For the most part, these hotties were either on a date or hanging out with a bunch of cowboys who were not worth getting arrested for, (at least while on business.) We could have chosen to engage them and make conversation, but it was our guess that these hillbillies wouldn't have taken kindly to us northerners, especially with my unmistakable Boston accent. People around the country tend to notice it immediately. As mentioned, there were no middle of the spectrum girls. No pretty/very pretty/cute approachable women were anywhere to be seen.
This paradox left the bar filled with nothing but the following two types of females: Women in their late 50's who thought they were cougars. Maybe at some time they were. Hell, some of them were probably hot at some point in their lives. They were trying so very hard to cling on to their youth and possible attractiveness by hoping if they slathered enough makeup on themselves and showed enough of their wrinkly, sun-damaged cleavage, guys would flirt with them. Having guys like me and BJ and the other couple of guys in our 30's talking to them or even smiling at them would make their night.
The other type of females were just complete swamp donkeys. I'm talking girls who were as tall as they were wide and considered themselves gravitationally challenged. Absolute trolls. These girls seemed like they wandered off one of the many nearby cattle ranches, somehow squeezed through the doors to these bars, and got drunk enough to think they had a chance with guys like ourselves. Usually they would fail miserably and moseyed back to the pastures to feed on grass or get milked or whatever the fuck happens to cows. The problem is that they travel in herds. See, the difference here in the northeast is that swamp donkeys latch on to their hot friends. Here, they're like parasites where both they and their host, (hot friend) both benefit. It's a mutually beneficial relationship. The "host" makes herself look hotter simply be being near the parasite. The "parasite" benefits because she winds up with a dumbass like myself in the WMD situation who takes one for the team. This, of course, depends on the depravity of the wingman and his willingness to help a friend. But I digress.
So one night BJ, my buddy Jason and I went out to get some apps and drinks. Hell, I met my first ex-wife at a bar, so why not try to meet my future ex-wife the same way? Seems logical enough, yes? The problem is, after trying several places we found the pickings to be very slim, mostly because all of the ladies fell into one of the above categories. Everyone seemed to be very nice in Texas, so we had no problems shooting the shit with people who were sitting nearby and the servers and anyone who walked by. People seemed to dig my accent, which isn't unusual. It tends to be a good conversation stahtah. The drunker we all got, the more people wanted to hear me talk "funny." I played along cause I was shitfaced, and I enjoyed the attention, but the truth of the matter is, us here in Boston were here first...so fuck you south and wherever else you migrated to. YOU'RE the ones with the funny accents, but anyways...
It got to the point of the night where many shots had been taken and pitchers dranken. Whenever the three of us get together, the night gets rowdy. It never fails. Jay and I wound up getting into a conversation with a married lady who was very nice. She was sitting at the table next to us near the bar with a couple of her friends who fell into the "I wish I was a cougar and my teeth weren't brown" category from above. I happened to look up and saw BJ sitting in a booth with two girls who fell into the "swamp donkey" category. By sitting, I mean he was practically in the fatter one's lap. It was almost as if she was about to start cradling him like a gorilla would cradle her young. "How long had he been down there?" I thought. I got Jay's attention and we made our way over to the booth, because this was obviously a matter that needed immediate investigation and possible intervention. We sprung into action.
As I made my approach, I knew by the shit-eating grin on his face when we made eye contact that this was gonna be hilarious. Heifer was on the inside seat, and BJ was literally squeezed all the way over to the point where I thought he might be just swallowed up in her lard. I thought maybe due to the proximity of him to her that she had actually tried to eat him as a snack. I sat in the booth next to, (but as far away as possible) to Heifer's friend. She was Hispanic, a little less massive, but easily just as busted up in her face...maybe even worse. Her teeth were brown and jagged and crooked and just snaggled. I started to wonder if people in Texas didn't know about toothbrushes or if they were just too expensive for them in that area. Were there any dentists there? Orthodontists? Anyways, before I could even introduce myself to Heifer and Spanish cow, BJ did the honors.
"Vinny! OK, so this one swallows but that one over there doesn't."
"Ummmm......ok. I'm Vin."
It was obvious to me that he had probably been talking to these girls as if they didn't have souls for quite a while now, because I was sure he was going to get smashed in the face, but Heifer just kind of giggled.
"I'm gonna fuck your mouth dry." BJ continued. See, to BJ, this was a big game. He wanted to see how far he could push this girl's limits, because he WAS actually convinced that girls like these two had no souls. Jay stood at the end of the table, and if we had popcorn, we would have popped it and sat back to enjoy the show. It was only a matter of minutes before BJ took it up a notch. "I bet your pussy stinks! I wouldn't put my mouth anywhere NEAR that thing." More giggles.
I looked at Jay and raised my eyebrows. BJ kept going, and she kept taking it. She was so thrilled that a nice looking guy had come to talk to her, that she didn't care what came out of his mouth. And now that Jay and I were there, they believed that 3 clean cut, good looking dudes with all of our teeth were hanging out with them. To BJ, it was just huntin' hog. It's almost like their bodies went into shock. I degraded Spanish cow a little bit, but not at BJ's level...I didn't have it in me. Plus I didn't want to miss anything that this crazy bastard was ripping off.
"I bet you do anal don't you? What about you over there Smiles?" He grabbed Heifer's hand and made her give him a handy under the table. It was fucking epic...and whenever she tried taking her hand away, he'd grab it and put it back in his lap. I don't even think I heard this troll say a single word the entire time. She just sat there grinning and rolling her eyes like this was one big joke. I started to feel even a little bad as the insults and degradation kept coming. How far would she let this go? Did she think that if she just took it that he'd bring her home or to the hotel? Was she not talking because she was afraid that if she opened her mouth BJ might have pushed her toothless mouth down to his dick too?
"So here's what's gonna happen...you're gonna finish me off in the bathroom. Do you want it here, or here?" He grabbed her tits and then one of her rolls. "Logistically, how does this work, do you have to lift this area right here up or....." He squeezed her belly. At this point, I was begging for her to smack him, but nothing. He tried dragging her out of the booth but he didn't have a forklift. Eventually, she followed him to the bathroom. They came back about 20 minutes later. The grossest walk of shame I'd ever seen by far.
After about 20 more minutes of BJ treating this Gorilla like she wasn't even human, he told us that she did in fact swallow and he was impressed by her keeping her word. "If you weren't so big I would have just fucked you dry."
Jay and I were in shock and trying to make small chat with Smiles the Spanish Cow just so we could laugh at her teeth. Finally, as BJ continued, I couldn't take it anymore. I turned to Smiles the Spanish Cow. "How do you eat with those fucking teeth of yours? Did a mule kick you or something?" She didn't like that one bit, but I needed an out, and figured maybe she had a little more dignity than Heifer. Thankfully, she did.
"Get the fuck outta here! You guys are mean!!" She pushed me out of the booth. "Well your fat fucking friend over there didn't seem to mind hanging out with us!"
"Whatever, just leave!!"
BJ hopped up and the three of us headed for the door. "Wait, can I get your number?" I think those were the first words I had heard Heifer speak all night. All three of us broke into laughter so hard I wanted to piss my pants. BJ didn't hesitate, "Fuck no you can't have my number, hahahaha! Make sure you drive fast and don't wear a seatbelt so natural selection does it's job." We made it outside and almost fell over laughing at the successful hog-hunt.
"Dude, that was fucked up. I think you committed at least 1 felony and probably countless misdemeanors just now."
"I just wanted to see if she was gonna punch me."
"I thought for a minute you were gonna kiss her mouth, and I would have punched you!"
"I would expect nothing less brother, hahahaha!"
We hopped into a cab. It didn't take long before it started to smell like buttery Heifer sweat, body odor, and most of all, a whole lot of shame.
