I can't put into words exactly the way I feel about my son. Anything I write on paper or post as a blog could never do justice to the purest kind of love a person can feel for another person; which is the love a parent has for a child.
As my oldest son turns 4 years old on Wednesday, July 31st 2013, I've been reflective of the 4 years that have flown by like a Concorde. I have been thinking about how grateful I am to spend the rest of my life being the father of the most incredible little boy who walks this Earth. Each day and every birthday brings new excitement to me, and I wonder if other parents feel the same way...I'm sure most do. Each day is a brand new experience. Every conversation we have is always the first of it's kind. There is no play book or instruction manual on how to be a father. There are definitely specific ways to NOT be a good father, but there are a myriad of ways to be a great father. So many combinations of how to bring him up. I am always wondering if I'm being a good father. I want to be the best that I can possibly be and show my son just how very much he means to me. At the same time, as with anyone else, I want to teach him to be a good person and instill in him the values my parents have instilled in me, only better. That's not to say that my parents didn't do a GREAT job by raising me and my siblings, because they did. I wouldn't change anything about the way my parents have raised me, but it's only natural, I think, to want to do even better for my kids.
Being a divorced parent is a hard job. In a way, I'm lucky to have my father for advise because he was divorced from my mother, and can relate to how my life is. I don't get to see my boy every day. At first, this was almost too much pain to bare. I hated being away from him for 5 minutes, never mind days at a time. I still do. But as with every new thing you learn as a child grows, I became more comfortable with having to be away from him. Although I would love for him to live with me full time, it's just not the way it is, and I don't like it, but have accepted it and adapted to it. If nothing else, it makes the time I spend with him every weekend that much more precious and makes me appreciate what he has done to make my life what it is. I'm lucky to get along with his mother just enough so that I see my son as much as I want. Some fathers are not as lucky.
The first 4 years of a child's life, in my experience, have been so incredible in such different ways, from the time he was a newborn up until now. He has his own personality. He can speak so well and is so smart. He learns things so fast and the greatest feeling in the world is explaining something to him and have him understand what I teach him. I love to look into his bright blue eyes and just see the knowledge pour into his sponge of a brain. To talk to him on the phone and have him remember and talk about something that I taught him weeks ago is amazing to me. Being a first time father, I never knew how I would teach him. I always worried, and still do, that maybe I don't teach him enough or I worry that he doesn't have as much fun as possible when we hang out. As we go on though, and as he gets smarter and funnier and develops his very own personality, I feel better about the job that I do. I feel natural being a dad. It's what I was meant to be, if nothing else. Prior to him being born, I lived for myself. I wanted to be successful in my job. I chased girls, I partied with my friends, I traveled all over the place for fun. I always knew that I wanted kids, some day, but I could never have predicted how much it has changed my life for the better.
Having a child, especially a son in my case, being male, is like being born again, (not in a religious way, yuck) and experiencing the joy of growing up for the first time all over again. It's a second chance. It's giving another human being the knowledge to live his life in the best possible way, and at the same time, having so much fun doing it! I play trucks and Legos with him and we wrestle around and play monsters and watch Disney movies and sports...like my dad did with me when I was a boy. I get to say silly things and be a kid again. Christmas is exciting again. Watching cartoons or going to see a G-rated movie is a blast. Going to the playground and pushing him on a swing or riding on a merry-go-round at his very first carnival are more fun than I could have with anyone else. I look forward to teaching him to play baseball and ride a bike and help him with homework and to be friendly and outgoing and learning more about what the type of person he's going to be. And when the day comes when I've taught him all that I can, and he is his own man, I know that I'll not only be his father, but want to also be his best friend, until the end of all things. I want to be able to look at him and whatever he decides to do with himself or have a family, and maybe a son of his own one day, and say, "Ya did good Vin." I can't wait to be even more proud of him than I already am.
When I look at my son, I see me. To think that I made him and he is part of me is pure joy. His eyes are my eyes. His voice is my voice. His heart and his soul are parts of me. When Jr. was born, when I saw him enter this world, when I was the first person on Earth to see him and touch him....this brand new life...I knew and felt right away, instantly, that I no longer lived for myself, but that I do so for him. Everything I do is for him. Of course I have my own life, my other family members, my friends, my fiancé and everything else good in my life means so much to me and I'm so happy. When I'm with my son; however all of it vanishes, and it's just him...the person I helped make. The world and all my stress and anxiety and problems goes away, so far away that I could not possibly be unhappy when I am with him. Four years ago, I began to live for someone else. And I would die for him as well. He is the reason I live, the purpose of my life. His happiness is my happiness. His failures and pain are mine. I want so badly for him to be better than me. I want him to know that he can be anybody. He has so much time to do what he wants, and I won't let him forget it. He is so pure and innocent and it's my job to make sure as the evil in this world and pain and heartache get to him, as it does to us all as we grow, it is as much on my back as I can possibly make it. I'm his ozone layer. I can't absorb all of the negative that might come his way, some will just get through, inevitably. But I will always be the first one to help any pain he might feel become my own. My instinct is to shelter him from everything, but I also know that he has to experience things to make him strong on his own as well, and become a strong person.
He's recently been calling me "Dad" instead of "Daddy" on occasion and it gives me mixed feelings..."Dad." Yeah, I guess at 4 years old, that's about right. It makes the last 4 years seem to have gone by so fast. It makes me a little sad, in a way, that at some point, each time we talk there will no longer be any "Hi Daddy," the name fading away with the years. I'll just be "Dad." My little baby is now a little boy, and one day he'll be a young man. I hope I can continue being the best "Dad" to him in the world. I want to be his hero, just by loving him and teaching him. I want him to love spending time with me, especially now, before he'd rather hang out with his friends someday.
Being the best father I can be is the most important thing in my life. Buddy, I'm talking to you....I hope down the road, and you learn to read, you will look at this and be happy to acknowledge the admiration I have for you, my boy.
I love you little guy. Happy 4th birthday. I'll try every day to be the best I can be for you, and make sure I say that I love you every day. And yes my little man, we can just stay home and have chicken nuggets, beans, and ketchup with some juice for dinner on your birthday...like I said, anything you want in the world.
