Friday, March 23, 2012

Females and Their Levels of Crazy

Let's face it everyone.  Women are fucking crazy.  I have not met a single one that is not crazy on some level.  They're not all BATSHIT crazy, but every one of them who I've met in my life, and there have been a lot, whether they were/are acquaintances, friends, girlfriends, wives, sex buddies, etc.  EACH ONE OF THEM have been crazy on some level.  I'm going to attempt to narrow the crazy categories here in this entry.  I implore each of you out there, (at least the dozen or so that will read this), to put the women in your lives in one or more of the following categories.  I promise you'll find one or more that match.  By the way, girls, don't read this and think I'm an asshole, because even YOU all can admit that you're fucking nuts, one way or the other.  What category do YOU fall in?  The below are in no particular order of craziness.  Without further delay:

Lovestruck crazy:  Not all levels of crazy are bad, so I figured I'd start with a relatively positive form of crazy.  Some women are so in love with their man, that they say and do things that are a little off.  An example is getting a tattoo of a guy's name on them, or even initials.  Carrying around a vial of blood, a la Angelina Jolie with Billy Bob Thornton.  Women who mean well, but crazy nonetheless.

Anal crazy:  No, not like that.  I mean way too detail oriented.  Women who pay attention to every detail that no normal guy could possibly hope to keep up with.  "Remember your 4th cousin is having a Christening in two weeks, so don't make any plans for that Sunday."  "You used the debit card to buy an egg McMuffin and didn't write it in the checkbook."  "Make sure you pick up double A batteries on the way home from work."

Jealous crazy:  This is one of my least favorite categories.  You're in a relationship with a woman.  You've been completely faithful for the duration, yet you're not allowed to even glance at another woman without hearing relentless shit about it for days.  And forget having any female friends, even ones that you've been friends with for 20 years longer than you've known this particular woman.  Make sure you delete any and all emails from anyone with a vagina, even if their coworkers or an electronic marketing person from Proflowers.com or something like that who you've never met.  DO NOT leave your cell phone unattended, because you WILL have phone numbers that will either get deleted, you'll be questioned about, or both.  You might as well put any plans you have with any female friends out of your mind, because it's not happening.  By the way, these ladies are even jealous of their best friends.  Guys in a relationship can't even be friends with the woman's girlfriends without getting grilled.  "Do you think Jane is better looking than me?"  You're gat-damn right she's better looking, everyone knows it, including your woman, but you can't say yes.  And when you say no, you get daggers stared through you and a "yeah right, why don't you just say it!"  Or something along those lines. 

Sex crazy:  This one is pretty self-explanatory.  These girls will do everything and anything in bed.  Shit that freaks even the freakiest guys out.  I'm talking girls that enjoy being slapped and choked and called words that I'm not even comfortable using in this space.  I don't have to get further into this, but you get the idea.  Some guys are very into these types of things....to a degree, and that's totally cool. But THESE girls go above and beyond kinky.

Insecure crazy:  These women, no matter how many times you tell them they're beautiful, it doesn't matter.  These are the, "Do these pants make me look fat?" girls.  There's no right answer to that question, are you shitting me.  "No baby, they don't make you look fat."  Their answer: "Why are you lying, if they make me look fat, just tell me!  Why can't you just be honest!"  I don't have to tell you how it goes if you answer, "Yeah sweetheart, but it's fine, just buy a different pair."  Yeah right. That would go over as well as asking a terminally ill 10 year old what they want to be when they grow up.  By the way, it doesn't matter if insecure crazy girl is a 115 pound supermodel or a frigging dumpster fire who knows damn well that they look fat.  There's nothing, as a guy, you can say.

Openly embarrassing in public crazy:  When you're at the movies, and it's an epic drama like Lord of the Rings, and your date cries at the end when Sam almost drowns to stay with Frodo, and your date is literally sobbing in the movie theatre, that's a little bit off, don't you think?  Turning a small disagreement into a loud argument during dinner at a restaurant is not cool.  Keep that shit in until you at least get to the car, ladies...that's not too much to ask.

Drama crazy:  Women who make mountains out of molehills are another one of my least favorite forms of nuttiness.  These types of crazy can turn a simple text, taken out of context, and turn it into a full-on battle.  An example of this could be a text that says, "Hey baby, I don't want you to feel obligated to come, but my buddies are having a party tonight.  I know you said you were tired from work, so if you want to stay in tonight and just see me tomorrow, that's cool."  Their response...."So why don't you want me to go out with you and your friends?  It doesn't really sound like you want me to go and that's pretty shady."  WHAT!?!?  How that question could be misconstrued so badly can only be through the mind of a drama crazy woman.  The manner in which she was invited out was apparently not up to par, even though the intention of the asker was good.  Guys in this situation can not, and will not, win this argument.  Make no mistake, this WILL turn into an argument at least, with the potential of a full blown brawl.

Road rage crazy: This goes for both men and women, but it seems that the "gentler" sex gets just a notch more angry when they're cut off. The difference between male road rage and female road rage is often times the fact that the woman who becomes road enraged, is the one whose fault it is that a traffic situation occurs.  Women are worse drivers than men.  I suppose there's no way to prove that, but it remains my STRONG opinion.  No matter how wrong they are in a traffic situation; however, the other individual is at fault.

Breaking stuff crazy:  There are fights.  There are arguments.  Every couple has them.  Guys are at fault generally just as often as females are.  But is there a need to smash several dinner plates during the course of the fight?  Don't get me wrong, if there is ANY kind of physical harm directed towards a woman, regardless of her crazy level, than that guy is a piece of shit and deserves to be in jail.  No man should EVER cause physical harm in any way, shape or form to a female.  It's just not right.

I'm calling your wife crazy:  Just kidding, if you are cheating on your wife, and the girl threatens to call your wife, that's your own damn fault, haha!

Don't shit where you eat crazy:  This level of crazy can be partly the man's fault.  But relationships in the workplace, though challenging, should be kept separate from work.  Don't air your man's dirty laundry to your coworkers, who you both have to see on a daily basis.  Don't threaten to go to your boss, and the boss of your boyfriend, in order to make him look bad.  That shit is unnecessary, and crazy!

Circle of friends crazy:  Is it just me, or do women love to bash their men with their girlfriends?  You can be made to look like a complete asshole to an entire group, without even doing anything wrong.  "Can you believe John didn't have flowers sent to me on Valentine's Day?  Yeah, he brought me out and spent $200 dollars on dinner and wine that night and bought me diamond earrings that he had the waiter arrange to bring to me in the desert, but NO FUCKING FLOWERS!! All of YOU had flowers sent to work!!"

Domestic abuse crazy:  Remember when I said to never hit a girl if you're a dude?  THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S COOL FOR GIRLS TO HIT THEIR MEN!!  It happens, though.  And when the guy remains calm, doesn't hit the girl back, even leaves their own home, but calls the cops.  THE GUY is made to look like the complete asshole.

I'm always right, even though I'm wrong crazy:  The unwinnable argument.  This is separate from all of the above.  This is an argument of facts.  John F. Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963. FACT.  Unless of course, this know-it-all crazy lady says otherwise.  These types of crazies have decreased with the advent of instant technology such as smart phones, but it still happens.  These women will argue to the death that the sky is red.  Sometimes, looking up the facts on the Internet don't even matter.  "Well whoever wrote that article must have gotten it wrong."  Now the Kennedy example isn't the best, but it's the only one I could think of just now.  Usually the argument in question is regarding some kind of obscure fact.  It's just a shitty feeling, KNOWING that you're 100% right about something, but regardless of how hard you try to convince the woman that you KNOW you're 100% right, it doesn't matter.

Holding your heart like a hand grenade crazy:  Buy me a ring or I'm ending things.  You could be poor as hell, not ready for marriage, recently GOT OUT of another marriage, or a myriad of other things.  If this type of woman wants to get engaged, it's either happening, or your ass is out the door.

I want a baby crazy:  See above.

I'm pregnant crazy:  I've fallen for this bullshit once before, but never again.  You're ready to break up with a girl, and during the emotional breakup discussion, it's conveniently revealed that the girl whose heart your breaking is suddenly pregnant.  Really?  You waited until I'm breaking up with you to reveal that you're pregnant with my baby.  This is a level of crazy I never quite understood....or at least, understood less than any of the above.  What is the woman trying to accomplish by lying about her being pregnant?  Is she hoping to win back the man in that instant, only to what?  Fake a miscarriage?  Or is the woman just trying to give the guy a heart attack as some type of revenge for breaking up with her in the first place.

Passive aggressive crazy:  A male can come home from a 10 hour day at work, followed by a 2 hour commute, and he wants to take 20 minutes to sit on the couch and decompress.  "Ya know what, you sit down, I'll do the fucking dishes."  This is followed by slamming glasses down and shutting cabinets with authority, guilting the exhausted man into helping do the dishes.  At this point, unfortunately, the damage is done, and it takes the rest of the night and possibly a gift in order to restore relations.  Unbelievable.

Clinger crazy:  Sometimes guys need guy time.  We understand if you want to hang out with your girlfriends.  If a relationship has trust, (which successful relationships MUST) then there should be no problem letting your guy go out with his buddies and watch a ballgame at the bar.  WE don't care if you go out with your girlfriends, quit busting our balls about having a "guys night" to play poker once in a while.

Batshit crazy:  Self-explanatory.  These girls are just completely off the reservation, especially if you date them and break up with them.  These girls threaten to kill themselves, call your mother to bitch about you, show up at your house at 3 a.m. pounding on the door.  Tell you they're pregnant, (see above.)  Finding out who your new girlfriend is and call her until she has to change her number.  She'll leave you 12 voicemails and 100 texts every single day.  She'll try to turn your friends against you, especially if they're mutual friends. These women will do things that could legitimately get them institutionalized.  How does one combat an indiviual who is so unhinged?  You can't really stop them, you can only hope to contain their craziness.  Change your phone number, get a restraining order if necessary.  Aside from that, time is your only ally.  DO NOT engage her back.  It will only pour fuel on the fire and it will snowball into a potentially life ruining situation.  If a batshit crazy woman, however, brings your kids into it.  All bets are off.  Get her arrested immediately.  These woman are absolutely capable of doing something like badmouthing you on your kids facebook page.  In other words, the women who fall into this category have no limits and no boundries.  There's nothing they won't do to demonstrate just how crazy they are.  If you have the unfortunate displeasure of having a woman with this caliber of craziness in your life, I'm truly and deeply sorry.  May God have mercy on your soul.

I could go on about sub-categories that fall under each of the above...and I'm sure that I've left some things out.  Listen ladies, I know that guys have levels of crazy too, but we are the more logical gender.  Call it hormones or whatever, but we as men have a level of common sense, that females often lack.  One more thing, this entry is for FUN. Don't take it so seriously, which leads to my final category.


Too serious crazy:  Calm the fuck down once in a while!!!

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