Wait...getting your nipple pierced in a Mexican flea market is NOT a good idea? It is when you're a 20 year old on spring break, drunk off your ass, and some other kid who you met 2 days ago has both of his pierced. "That looks awesome, I gotta get me one of those!" I slurred. I only had like 75 thousand pesos on me, so I could only afford to get one of them done.
I waltzed right into that dirty little shop where two unsavory characters just itching to take my money and give me hepatitis stood behind a small glass counter. "I want my nipple pierced amigo!" One of them spoke English pretty well and he helped me decide on a loop style piercing with a dark gray ball, (like I really gave a shit, I was hammered!)
He insisted that I had more pesos and could afford to get both nipples done, but I assured him that I could only afford one, and we even had to haggle over that price. He tried to get me to sell my watch. At that point I started having reservations about this clown and what was about to be done...but my mind was made up...I was getting a dirty needle stabbed through a relatively sensitive part of my body and that was that.
Now, I knew the actual nipple ring was clean, because I saw him take it out of the package, but I could never confirm if the actual needle was new or used. No matter, I was getting my nipple pierced and it would be awesome.
(Before I go any further, I know how gay it was for me to get a nipple ring..don't judge me.)
After experiencing what can easily be described as the most painful 10 seconds of my life, despite the fact that most of me was numb from drinking Tequila for 4 strait days, the nipple ring actually looked pretty cool. I spent most of the rest of the trip showing my sick piercing off and even got the attention of a particularly smoking hot chick at Fat Tuesdays. If you've ever been to Cancun during spring break, you know how bat shit crazy it is down there. Plus everyone is looking to get laid. You probably also know about the bracelet rule, which means (at most places) you can't get into your hotel unless you show the front desk your bracelet, which also means, for some shitty reason, you can't just skip into your hotel room with a girl who doesn't have the same bracelet as you.
Fuck that, I thought. I'm in Cancun, this skank is digging my nipple ring and she's ready to go...she's getting into my room one way or the other. We tried the obvious at first-just walking in. "Nonononono, prohibita la entrada!" To which I replied, in a tequila drenched Boston accent, "What the fuck are you talking about chico?" While resisting the urge to throw my slice of Papa John's pizza at his face, (yeah, they have that down there), I just kind of looked at him, looked at the girl, and put my hands up as if to say, "Are you fucking SERIOUS guy?"
Being the sharp sombitch that I am, I quickly came up with plan B. I would jump the 8 foot tall concrete wall that surrounded the hotel and had shards of glass sticking out of the top of it for security reasons. Why this girl just didn't go find a more competent fuck mate at this point, I'll never know. But she followed me around back and I gave her 10 fingers up over the wall. Miraculously, she made it over unharmed.
Here's where it gets REALLY retarded. Instead of just waking back to the front, clad in my bracelet and without my guest, and met her at my room, I decided to be cool and jump the wall myself. I jumped up, reached with my hands, impaled my right hand on a shard of glass, and scraped my newly minted nipple ring against the concrete wall, tearing it from it's formerly secure place in my nipple.
After somehow scrambling over the wall, I felt beaten but triumphant. For some reason, the girl didn't seem impressed. It's probably because I looked like I just committed a triple homicide. Anyways, she bounced and I was left to get stitched up at a Mexican hospital. I made it most of the way back to the hotel on a bus, got off at the wrong spot, and went to sleep in the comfort of a warm Mexican gutter. By some miracle, my friends found me laying there and came and woke me up. They thought I had been murdered. What would you think if you found your friend lying in the gutter, drenched in blood. They quickly woke me up, terror in their eyes. "What the fuck man, are you ok? It looks like you got stabbed or something!" "You should see the other guy." I said. ( I know, ZING! right?")
"Seriously man, it looks like you lost a lot of blood." I looked at my bandaged up hand and blood soaked shirt...."It's a long story...let's go hit Senor Frogs."
As it turned out, I didn't get Hepatitis, but I definitely needed a tetanus shot.
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