Paradise By The Dashboard Light

Dear Meatloaf, please don't break my balls for using one of your most famous song titles.  Those of you who are smart enough might actually get the irony involved by the end of this.

I recently got engaged to my girlfriend, Chloe.  Naturally, I proposed in writing because I can't seem to properly express myself verbally.  (I won't bore you with the story...)  I'm hoping this time around it will work out.  I think it will.  Even statistics are on my side.  First marriages only work half the time, but second marriages work out much more frequently...and I'm truly happy and in love.  Plus she's hot, funny, smart, driven, cooks and cleans, and gives fantastic blowj....ummmmm....back rubs.

To say that I've kissed a few swamp donkeys along the way is an understatement.  And by kissed of course I mean, well you know.  (Disease and unplanned pregnancy free since '96, by the way!)  Let's consider the history for a moment...and if I offend anyone, too bad, frankly.  Nobody said this space was meant for the thin-skinned, the politically correct, and the easily offended.

My major relationships have consisted of the following: 

1.  A girl who cheated on me with one of my good friends, (no blame from me on him, by the way...situations like this are the girl's fault, 100% of the time.)  Then she turned to crack, literally, at which point I promptly dumped her. She moved to a trailer park in Pawtucket, popped out a couple of illegitimate kids whose father is in prison, and has generally failed at life.

2.  A girl who has ballooned by about 250 pounds since we broke up and makes me vomit in my mouth every time I run into her.

3.  A girl who I wound up marrying who I legally can't speak badly about.  You'll all just have to trust me on this one.  She is the Antichrist.  My family hates her and for good reason, that of which, again, I can't get into.  She even told me after we got divorced that she knew we'd be divorced before we were even married.  Who DOES that?!?!  I just deleted 3 paragraphs following this on the advise of my attorneys.  I had my son with her, which is the one good thing that came out of this doomed relationship.  I'm hoping that enjoying my first born for the rest of my life will outweigh the fact that I have to deal with utter nonsense for the rest of my life.  The saddest thing is...I really like her family, and I even get along great with her new boyfriend.  I've tried everything possible to get along with her, even killing her with kindness...but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards.  Oh well.

4.  A girl who is 10 years older than I am, lived 60 miles away from me at the time, in cow country, and lost power every time there was a stiff breeze.  Her shitter very rarely worked and I guess the silver lining is that I learned how to flush a toilet by dumping a 2 gallon bucket of water in the bowl and letting gravity do the rest.  She had a chicken coop with a rooster who made it's presence known at the crack of dawn every morning too.  Not good times.

5.  A girl who tortured me for a year with her nightmare of a child and a cat who makes Beezle from "Movie 43" look tame.  It's ok though because I'm pretty sure she is now bulimic or has AIDS.  She has lost so much weight since we broke up that she looks like one of those kids who you can sponsor for only pennies a day.  I actually asked her when I bumped into her recently if she needed me to buy her a cheeseburger or some mayonnaise or something.  Side note:  Do yourself a favor and look up "Beezle" on Youtube if you haven't seen the movie....great fun.

The good thing about all these disastrous relationships, you ask?  I have finally, FINALLY found someone who treats me nicely, with respect...you know, the way that a couple SHOULD treat each other.  A beautiful woman who I can live with without wanting to savagely murder.  Someone who treats me the same way I treat her; with care, nurture, and love.  Someone I'm madly in love with, more so than I have ever been, and she feels the same way.  It's different this time, believe me...I've had enough practice with shit-headed women to know the difference. 

The moral of the story, if you're young, and you think you're in love....there's a pretty good chance you're not.  But do yourself a favor...fuck a bunch of sea-cows.  Kiss some swamp-donkeys.  Date some dumpster fires.  In the long run, it will tell you exactly what NOT to look for in a relationship.

Why take relationship advise from me??  Damned if I know. Honestly, I wouldn't.  But hell, there is a little truth to what I speak of here, is there not?

Anyways, thank you Chloe, for making me the happiest I've ever been, and ever will be.  "Mo chuisle, mo chroi."