My friends and I often backhand each other in the nuts. Not hard, not to cause too much physical pain, but more so to make each other flinch. It's actually pretty fun and not gay at all. Occasionally you get caught right in a bad spot and you double over for a minute with that shooting pain up your gut, but it doesn't last long. Inevitably, once you ball tap your buddy, you are on your guard for the rest of the day due to the impending retaliation.
We've perfected the ball tap to allow ourselves to conduct this childish game in nearly every setting, public and private. My buddy was attempting to bang some chick that he picked up at a club in some weird motel room nearby. My other friend and I, drunk off our asses and on who knows what else, weren't about to let this go down smoothly. We concocted a plan. There was a fire extinguisher nearby, which we were somehow able to get out of the wall. (Why do they make them so hard to operate? The fucking place would be ashes if there was an actual fire and our dumb asses were trying to remove the thing from the wall.)
Anyways, we got ahold of it, busted into the hotel room like maniacs, I sprayed the fire extinguisher into the room to the point of terrifying both our horny friend and the unfortunate skank he was with. My friend put an orange into the microwave and turned it on. He then ball tapped our friend's bare balls and we ran out of the room. The poor bastard was just a guy in his early twenties trying to get laid, and he wound up covered in white residue, (not the kind he planned), a mess of an orange all over the place, sore balls and a limp dick. I'm pretty sure he never wound up talking to the girl again. No, wait...I'm sure.
We waited in my friend's car, knowing that it wouldn't be long for our sure-to-be enraged "friend" came limping out of the motel room. He had a smirk on his face, cause let's face it, that shit was kinda funny. He entered the back seat of the huge white caprice that we were "rollin' in." He said nothing. What could he say? What could WE say?
About half way home, I asked my friend in the back seat. "So how'd you make out?" This immediately sent me and my partner in crime, who was driving, into a frenzy of laughter that we'd been holding in for at least 20 minutes. Surprisingly, there was no laughter coming from the back seat. I turned around and looked back at him. There was still white powder on his face making him look like a damn crackhead. He looked blankly out the window, clearly not amused.
A decade passed, the occasional ball tap given out to our group of friends, always generating some good natured ribbing and retaliations. I eventually got engaged and on my wedding night, everyone had a great time and got drunk and did all the wedding shit and took funny pictures and all that. At the end of the reception and before the after party, I stood outside and helped load gifts into cars and say goodbye to family and friends and thanked them for coming.
The friend who we had been so thoroughly embarrassed some 12 years ago walked out of the reception hall and began walking in the direction of me and my partner in crime, who happened to be my best man and standing right next to me at the time.
He walked right up to the both of us, held his hand out for me to shake it as he smiled and said, "Nice wedding Vin, had a great time!" Right before our hands met for a shake, he dropped to one knee, pulled his right hand back as far as he could, and delivered a haymaker to my nuts that dropped me like I was just pummelled by Tyson. His short ass stood over me, my in laws watching in horror, and yelled, "How's that for a ball tap bitch!" He finally had his revenge, and this time, it was he who got the last laugh. My best man looked at him as if to say, "What the fuck dude!" My vengeful friend looked back at him, pointed in his face; an evil smile on his lips and a little bit of crazy in his eyes, and spoke in a voice we had never heard before..."Just wait until you get married, cause you're next." He then walked away, victorious. The only thing he DIDN'T do was pump his fist like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club.
As I remained firmly rooted to the ground, barely able to breathe, I looked up and my best man's face was white with horror. He tried to help me up, but I was going nowhere. Sex with my new wife on my wedding night? Nope. Blood in my urine for three days. Yup.
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