I don't generally condone the use of psychedelic drugs, so let me start by letting you know that everyone involved in this story wound up OK...at least those that I know of. In fact, just to make the story more "trippy" I'll try telling it in reverse, Momento style.
I woke up in my own bed, in my own house, with no random stranger, and no hangover. My face hurt a bit, but that was it. Right away I knew that either I won the night, or something had gone terribly, terribly wrong. I sat for a minute at the edge of my bed, attempting to piece the previous night together. I knew that I had caused some kind of trouble; but what? I first checked my pockets and wallet to see what kind of financial damage I did. I didn't appear to have put a big dent into my cash and my keys were in my pocket. WINNING!! This night was clearly unlike most others that I couldn't remember, which generally involves me penniless and missing multiple personal belongings. I looked out my bedroom window to see what condition/parking position my vehicle was parked in. Uh-oh...first sign of trouble. My vehicle was unaccounted for. In it's stead was my buddy J's car, parked askew in my driveway.
It was freezing out so I bundled up and went out to inspect the car. It was unlocked and my buddy J was shaking and curled up in the fetal position in the back seat, near frozen vomit on the floor of the car behind the passenger's seat. "Oh shit."
6 hours earlier:
I checked my face in the mirror of a dirty bathroom in one of the shadiest bars I had ever been in. My lip was bloody and one of my front teeth was chipped. I inspected my face more closely and realized that my pupils had engulfed my iris' completely and my cheeks were melting into my shoulders. I let out a single "ha."
I walked out of the bathroom and even though I'm sure I opened the door with my hands, it felt like I swam through it. It felt as though the eyes of every douche bag and ugly girl in this college dive were fixed directly on me. I made my way towards the door where my buddies J and B were waiting to leave. B had a black eye and a bloody lip. J was a standing 8-count. Passed out on his feet. Within minutes of puking and basically being held up by B, (who's eyes were also saucers.) B grinned like the Cheshire cat and proclaimed, "Time to go dude." This was followed by a laugh that far exceeded the situation that it called for.
Off we went, out of the craphole and into the unknown hell which was downtown Providence, dragging J behind us. The sky was purple and red and our steps were unsteady. Everything was hilarious. Being that this lame city closes just about everything by 2 a.m., we needed to find some food. Fast. We found a crappy little pizza place that was crowded with the drunks that had spilled out of the nearby bars and clubs. We got J to a booth where he slumped into a booth and slept as if he was in the comfort of his own bed. Before B and I could get our food, J had managed to destroy the booth and the floor with some of the most vile vomit you'd ever have the displeasure of being around.
With everyone in the place, including the Mexican dishwasher, up in arms and about to give us a gang beating, we hauled ass out of there, dragging our passed out, puke-covered friend. We hopped into a cab after the cabby asked if we were "Doug."
"Yup, that's us, take us to our vehicle, kind cabby!"
We arrived at J's car and made the trek up I-95, feeling as though we were riding in a hovercraft. J continued puking all over the backseat. Somehow I managed to get B home and then myself back home. I couldn't bring J to his house in his current state, so he came with me. I was sufficiently convinced that he had puked up everything in his system, so I would let him sleep it off on my couch. The problem was, he wouldn't get out of the car when we got home. "Dude, you're gonna freeze to death if you don't come inside." He was undeterred, and refused to budge from his spot in the backseat. "Fine asshole, freeze. I'll be in my nice warm house." I went inside, tucked myself in, and fell asleep. I don't remember what I dreamt about, but they were colorful dreams.
3 hours earlier than before:
J, B, and I entered the shady bar in Providence and B immediately bumped into a small table that was loaded with empty and sandbagged beer bottles. Every one of them crashed to the ground, most of them breaking. The entire bar stopped what they were doing and looked at B, who is built like a brick shithouse. He grinned and held his arms out. "WHAT!!" He laughed hysterically and nobody did a thing. He wasn't even trying to act tough, he just recognized the hilarity of the situation. It was then that we realized we owned this place and could do anything we wanted. Not even the bouncers were going to mess with us. It may have had something to do with the crazy look we had on our faces. Maybe people DID care what we were doing, but we couldn't tell, because to me and B, everyone blended together into a colorful, moving blob, indecipherable from a 2 year old's finger painting.
J, the responsible one of our little group up to this point, began rifling down shots of Jack. B and I ordered beers, but they were mainly just for show. We were all set. "Dude, punch me in the face!" B implored me to do this. Some college guys and girls standing nearby heard him boisterously make this odd request. He is twice my size, but in my current state, he didn't have to ask twice. I reached back and gave him what probably amounted to a 3/4 strength right hook to his cheek. This instantly horrified everyone who could see us. "OK dude, give me one back." I braced for impact and felt his fist make impact with my mouth. Although it caused some damage, it didn't hurt, and my face seemed to sink into itself. We bled and laughed like hyenas. The bouncers, thinking a fight was going on, approached us to break it up. "Nah dude, it's cool...check this out." I punched B back, a little harder, splitting his lip open. More laughter. B jabbed me in the face and took a chunk out of my front tooth. The bouncer, not knowing what to do, asked us to leave. Apparently my face was bleeding pretty good, so the bouncer made me go to the bathroom and clean myself up.
4 hours before before:
Me, J, and B were sitting in my basement, trying to decide what to do with our night.
Me: "We could go to Providence."
J: "That's lame."
B: "I don't feel like driving down there."
Long pause.
Me: "I got these shrooms...."
J: "I'm not eating those, but I'll drive and just drink a bit. I got shit to do tomorrow so I can't get too messed up. Then you two clowns won't have to worry about driving home feeling like you're piloting the space shuttle."
I already knew that B would travel down this dark, dangerous road with me by the look on his face. "You sure J? You'll be fine by tomorrow."
"Nah, you guys go ahead."
As you already know, J was the one who got the most fucked up, couldn't drive us home, and wound up having to blow off his obligations due to the ridiculous hangover he had. I wound up driving the hovercraft 20 miles home. B and I somehow managed to destroy a dozen beer bottles and beat the shit out of each other in the middle of a crowded bar with zero consequences, and neither one of us were hungover the next day.
The moral of the story? Sometimes you're just better off tripping on mushrooms.
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