No, not me personally...but this was how a friend of mine recently started a phone conversation with me. Yikes. I thought MY recent situation was bad! It kind of makes you appreciate the things you have, AND the things you DON'T have, like a zygote in your uterus and/or money.
If you read this on facebook, can you please comment on how YOU would respond to such a statement? I couldn't really tell right away from the tone of her voice how upset she was, or if she was upset at all. Was this a panicked phone call to a friend looking for advice, or was it just a topic for conversation? I felt like the first words to leave my lips would be critical. I had a very crucial and delicate decision to make, cause as we all know, bitches be crazy, and it would be my ass if I came back with the wrong response.
Many things ran through my mind in a flash as to what to say initially. My ideas ranged from simple, obvious questions, to trying to be consoling, to asking what I could do, to trying to make light of the situation, to utter dumbfoundedness. We'll use the name "Late Girl" for the purposes of this story. Examples of my first words included: "Oh shit Late Girl! Why do you think you're pregnant?" "How late are you?" "Wait, are you seeing someone right now?" "Ummm....did you take the test yet?" "Why did you feel the need to tell me you had to pay with quarters? Are you implying that you're poor, or are you saying you need to do laundry at my house?" "Ahhh...I know we're good friends, but am I the first person you should be telling this to?" "Did the guy not have a twenty he could have spotted you?" "Do you need to borrow money for tampons just in case it comes out negative?" "Shit Late Girl, you couldn't have waited a couple days to get a paycheck? I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure a couple days doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things." "Are you shitting me?" "So what are you gonna do if it's positive." "How much do those piss sticks cost?" "In theory, would you have to do any less laundry if you don't get your period, thus saving you quarters, or is the difference negligible?" "Is it too late for plan B?" "Do you need a hug?" "If you ARE pregnant, there's no chance it's MINE, is there?" OK, I made that last one up, a guy doesn't generally get a girl pregnant if it's been 3 years since they've slept together, and when it did happen, both of us passed out drunk before it was over.
Knowing the severity of the consequences had I said the wrong thing, I bought myself some more crucial seconds...precious time, by pausing a moment, and finally uttering the following in a confused tone: "Wait...Late Girl....say that again? What are you talking about?"
She sighed and repeated herself. "Laundry quarters Vinny...I walked into the pharmacy with a five-dollar bill and my Ziploc bag full of quarters. I walked up to the cashier with the cheapest pregnancy test I could find, a hood over my head, and shame filled embarrassment plastered on my face."
"Maybe if you had let something else get plastered on your face, you wouldn't have been in this situation."
"THAT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY!"
I cringed for a second. Perhaps making light of the situation was the wrong way to go. After a few scary seconds; however, she laughed. Disaster averted, well relatively speaking. I suppose the overall disaster of the situation was still very much in play. "What am I gonna dooooooooo?" She whined.
How the fuck should I know? Was this a question of what is she gonna do if she's pregnant, where is she going to get more, actual paper money, or how is she gonna do her laundry? I suppose it was most likely a combination of all of the above.
"Well what are you waiting for? Why don't you take the test and see what it says? Wouldn't it resolve what is clearly an unanswered, stressful question?" Quickly transforming into consoling friend mode--"Tell you what, why don't you come by, take the test over here, and you can even bring your laundry...how does that sound?"
She thought it over for a second. "No, I'm just gonna take it in the morning, that's when your pee is most concentrated." I held my phone away from my ear, leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and sighed. I love Late Girl, I've been friends with her for half my life, we have shared many emotional conversations, consoled each other during break-ups, gave each other advice on life in general, and even shared genitals from time to time; but what the FUCK is she trying to get at right now. WHAT does she want me to say or do. There was no resolution that I could have come to at this very moment, with this very phone call.
"Listen, Late Girl, I don't know what you need. Just tell me what you want me to do. Do you need to borrow some money? Do you need to borrow my toilet or washing machine? Seriously dude, I'm fishing for shit to say to you right now."
"I don't KNOW Vinny, I'm just freaking out."
"Wait, who are you even banging?"
"It was just a hookup, we were drunk...don't judge me."
"Whatever Late Girl. Listen, just calm down, wait until the morning, take the test, and let me know what it says. We'll figure something out. Why is it that you felt the need to buy a test in such a hurry anyways? How long ago did you bang this clown?"
"Like 3 weeks ago."
"Wait...3 weeks ago? When were you supposed to get your period? What makes you think you're pregnant?"
"I was supposed to get my period like a couple days ago or something, but I threw up this morning."
The stupidity of her answer nearly made me collapse to my knees, especially because my friend is very intelligent. I'm a guy. I have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant, to have a period, or to have morning sickness. What I DO know, is that I've made a couple kids. I've been with the mother of my children as they found out they were pregnant, and what the general signs of pregnancy are. In fairness to Late Girl, she is a little younger than me and has never been pregnant, she only has one brother, and I suppose being a couple days late and throwing up could have possibly made her a little anxious....but was she shitting me?
Instead of completely tearing into her and breaking her balls without mercy, (juuuuuuust in case I wound up being wrong,) I took the high road. "You're not pregnant Late Girl. You probably ate some bad chicken or something. There's nothing to worry about right now except maybe getting your underwear clean, ok?"
"OK. Thanks Vinny, I just figured with you being a dad, you'd know about this stuff."
"What I do know is that before you use your last dime to buy a pregnancy test, call me FIRST next time, ok? Chances are you're not pregnant, and if you are, we'll figure something out, ok?"
"Alright Vinny, sorry to call you like this, I just get freaked out. It was such a mistake to....." Blah, blah, blah....she went on for like another 5 minutes and I just yupped her to death.
I never did get a call to find out if my friend's test came out positive. I'm assuming it didn't, since I probably would have received a not-too pleasant, tear filled, follow-up phone call 2-5 minutes later, or possibly in the morning. No call came. We haven't spoken in the last couple weeks, since this ridiculous call went down.
I guess the point of the story is to educate those of you out there who are about to spend your last bag of laundry quarters. Don't. And if you do, don't tell anyone about it, because it will probably end up as a blog entry on the Internet.
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