Raise Your Hand if I've Been In You

Only an asshole would use a title like that.  Winner winner chicken dinner!  I happen to be one of the best assholes I know!  At the same time, I have good values and morals and I try to be a good person.  I'm a walking contradiction, as Billy Joe Armstrong once said.

When I split up with my ex-wife at the end of 2010, something in me said, "I don't give a fuck."  I never cheated on my ex.  I had opportunities, but I didn't.  Maybe looking back I was mad at myself cause I probably should have.  Hindsight is 20/20.  For most of 2011, I went on a vagina seeking rampage the likes of which I had never experienced before.  Any shyness, (which wasn't much), had completely dissipated.  I began banging like I had never bung before.  Something clicked in my brain that reminded me, "Hey, girls love fucking too!"  What a completely eye opening revelation!  There are caveats to that statement, of course.  Girls also love relationships, and some think that sex and relationships are one in the same.  Sometimes they are.  I'm a relationship guy myself, but for a period of time after I became single, I was anything but a relationship guy.  I wasn't ready to commit to anyone right away, and I acted unfairly to some women.  I never misled them into thinking what we were doing, (hanging out occasionally and fucking) would turn into anything more.  That picture unintentionally gets muddied sometimes.

It took me a long time to realize just how easy it is to get a girl to sleep with you, (or fuck you, depending on which end of the language spectrum you prefer.)  I turned into a man whore.  If I was a girl myself, I would have been called a slut, a whore, a skank or whatever....but since I'm a guy, it doesn't work like that.  It's the world's most incredible double-standard.  When guys have sex with tons of girls, they brag to their friends and tell stories about them and one becomes a legend amongst his piers.  When girls do the same thing, it's as if they're ashamed of it.  They don't want to tell to many people because they'll think she's slutty and easy.  How did this happen!!   Not that I'm complaining, but really?  Those of us with penises sure lucked out on that one.  We also made out ok with the not getting periods, not having to give birth, not having to do our hair and our makeup every time we leave the house, not getting yeast infections, not being horrible drivers or unable to play any kind of watchable professional sport.  My point is that we have it much easier as guys.

I went to work after my split-up.  I was on a mission.  It was new territory for me.  Maybe I was trying to fill the void of being in a relationship with a series of meaningless romps, (some more meaningless than others).  I didn't like to be alone.  I DON'T like to be alone.  It's difficult for me to sleep without a girl in my bed.  (Why do you think I'm up at 4:00 a.m. talking about this when in reality, nobody really cares?) 

I had sex with friends, friends of friends, friends of my sister's, girls I've been friends with since the mid 90's, ex-girlfriends, waitresses, my neighbor, complete strangers I met on the Internet, complete strangers I met in airports or hotels across the nation, girls I met at the bar, (the old-fashioned way DOES still work.)  One or two were even absolute swamp-donkeys, it didn't matter. 

I was exclusive with some for a couple months, but nothing serious ever came of it.  The funny thing is, after a while, I started looking to be in a relationship again.  I'd get that need to be with someone who would consistently be there for me.  I wanted someone who could deal with me during my weak times instead of just my confident times and be able to handle my drama.  I would go on dates to try meet a girl that I clicked with.  Inevitably, since apparently girls are as horny as guys are, I would have sex with them on the first date literally every time.  That's not being cocky, no pun intended, because it takes two.  We'd meet up, have some food, some drinks, and one of us would wind up at the other's place.  So how could I be in a relationship with these women if they just fucked me on our first date??  I guess it wasn't so bad, and I actually did end up dating some of them for a month here, a couple months there.  After all, I had to separate the genders and put myself into their shoes.  They were mostly in the same boat I was in.  So I never felt bad about any of this.  I never purposely hurt any of them, and any of them that I did hurt, I did it so I couldn't continue to hurt them, if that makes sense.  I do have a conscience, after all, like I talked about at the beginning of this entry. 

The way I can tell that I didn't do anything too bad, is that I'm still friends and still talk to most of them.  Other than the one night stands I had with girls I met 4 hours ago, I talk to most of the girls that I've been with on a regular basis.  And they know and knew what was up.  I was being used the same way I was using them.  The picture was clear, for the most part, for both parties involved.  Nobody cared!  A couple of the girls who I was with actually introduced me to their friends, who they knew damn well I was going to bang!


Luckily, I was careful and didn't impregnate anybody, contract any diseases, or hurt anyone's feelings too badly.  Now I have a solid girlfriend, (who also knows about this time period of my life) and all's well with the world.  See, I'm not that big of an asshole, am I?