I recently asked my mom if she regrets having me and my siblings. I wrote about this previously, but it fascinated me so much, I decided to elaborate some. I added to the question, "Would your life have turned out better without us? Be honest." She looked at me without smiling, as if perplexed by the question. "I don't regret it for a second. You kids are the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. Maybe it would have been easier for me, but I wouldn't trade the life I have with you for a million EASY lifetimes."
Holy shit ma, that was pretty deep! I guess in reality it was a pretty stupid question, no matter how good it sounded in theory. Her answer kept me up at night, thinking and thinking about it. I wondered if she meant it, which led me to think of my own life and my own decisions. I tried to think of a single thing in my life that I regret. The result I kept coming back to was that everything in my life that led up to now, has shaped me into the person I am today. I'd probably say, that in the traditional sense, I've made more mistakes than I've made "good" decisions. I've done some pretty dumbass things. I kept thinking, "Do I regret any of the stupid shit I've done? Would my life have turned out differently if I went left instead of right? Said "No" instead of "Hell yeah!" Of course the answer is yes, it would have. I can't go back and change anything, and even if I could, I wouldn't. I like the way my life has turned out so far and look forward to the future. People who regret decisions are usually unhappy.
I could have done things and made decisions that would have made my life a lot easier to deal with now. Where's the fun in that, though? Some decisions are made for you. I could have been born into a rich family and grown up with all the amenities of Billy Madison. That would have made my life easier, but would people have liked me? Would I have worked for anything in my life? Nope. Would people be jealous of me and resented me? Probably. If my parents didn't have more kids after me, (I was an "accident" as you know if you've read my previous posts), I wouldn't have the best siblings on Earth. My best friend wouldn't be my brother. If I never met my ex-wife, I wouldn't have my kids. I also wouldn't have child support payments. Easier life, not a better one. Not even close. Get the idea?
I hated my mom's boyfriend. I legitimately didn't like him. He never had kids of his own, and I don't think he understood how to handle it when his girlfriend and her 4 kids moved into his nice, brand new house. He made my mom happy. I wish I saw it at the time, but I was a teenager. I moved out as soon as I could when I was 18 and lived on my own. It was a struggle, certainly more so than if I had stayed at home. I got along better with my mom when I moved out. I didn't talk to her boyfriend for a long time. The older I got, however, the more I saw how happy he made her, how good of a companion he was for her. During my engagement with my first wife, I called him. I left him a message. I said that I was sorry for all the things I said and did to him, and for not recognizing the sacrifices he made in his life, to make one for my mom and us kids. I asked if he would be my mom's date to my wedding. He said he'd get back to me, and I'm sure he struggled with the decision, but he eventually called me back and said that he would like to go. He passed away before my wedding day. I don't regret my relationship with him, necessarily, it was what it was. Maybe it makes me appreciate him more and opens my eyes to what he meant to my family now that he's gone. Even though I've always said that you shouldn't praise someone after they pass away if you didn't praise them when they were here. Maybe he was the exception, and only because it made me come to the realization that he didn't hate me, he just didn't understand me, nor I him. It was MY decision to move out, and it was probably the right one...but I'll never know for sure.
I know that if my mom never met him, I never would have met all the friends I have today. My dad would never have met his second wife. My sister never would have met the father of her child. I wouldn't have met the mother of mine. It was a decision not made by me, or anyone else in the above group. It was a domino effect. It was like November 5th, 1955 to Marty McFly. A moment in time that changed everything, for everybody. My mom made the decision to move in with her boyfriend, in the town that I now call home, the same town I've called home for more than half my life, and it led to a great number of sequences of events that shaped the lives of so many people. I'm sure it wasn't a spur of the moment idea. It was probably talked about and thought through, probably for a good amount of time...but there was a moment when the decision was made final.
I'd like to think I'm smart enough, especially now that I'm a parent, to make decisions that won't end up with me in jail or in the ground...I think I am.
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